This is the Time

“Did you know that before you came into my life…”

I recently met a woman who spent some time telling me the story of the year she survived cancer. Our appearance disguised the nature of our conversation. She sat there less than a foot away giggling while she recounted her arduous journey inside hospital walls, her concerned mother from out of state appearing at a moment’s notice, and her new hairdo — a collection of tight curls that served as a constant reminder of chemotherapy cycles. All I could do was sit there watching, embarrassed by my smile that seemed unbefitting the scene.

Feeling uneasy about smiling in the face of tragedy is a natural consequence of our conditioning. We are taught to label sadness and pain as negative, while we are prescribed high doses of laughter as a cure-all. Another day goes by, and we can be seen delighted with tears in our eyes, while others find amusement in baffling and frustrating situations. If you see how impermanent each state is, then you can understand the belief of non-dualism — that opposites are part of our perception not reality.

“…It was some kind of miracle that I survived…”

The status quo is that cancer is a jerk. We fear it because it threatens our survival — our primary job. However, in certain circumstances, illnesses and hardships may also serve as our advocates. They are alarms, hazard signs, the marathon volunteer handing you a paper cup filled with lukewarm water at the half-way point. She chose to see her diagnosis as an opportunity for her to change her lifestyle, not a death sentence. That is by far the most difficult and most rewarding mindset to practice because we have been conditioned through habit to ride emotional waves as they crescendo, reacting to them on the premise that the moment is singularly-categorized.

If you’re familiar with the tale of two wolves/the one you feed or the Chinese farmer proverb, then you may understand that if we choose not to judge things as good and evil or events as unlucky and fortunate, we can live with less anguish. Effectively navigating life is about balance. That happens when we watch life as a whole and not as isolated events. That is if you fall into the trap of only supporting and enjoying your light (yang, peace, joy, love, compassion), then your dark (yin, anger, greed, ego, lies) at some point will be your undoing. Every time some challenge arises, emotions sway you to one side because of the thoughts you associate it with which leaves you unprepared for the next one — and there’s always a next one.

The more accepting you are of yourself — the light and the dark, the more accepting you will be of other people, the more balanced a life you’ll lead. Some moments require the strength supplied by anger, and likewise, the compassion from love. However, the less conflict you have with the parts of you that you fear, the less likely you are to expend unnecessary energy distracted by an internal battle. Wasting energy on persistent worries does not serve you when faced with circumstances beyond your control. That same misfortune may be your salvation when viewed from a different point in your life, as we discover in the Chinese farmer proverb.

“…Someday we will both look back and have to laugh…”

In the darkness, she found the light of opportunity. She cut back her workload as a physician, attempted to compensate for the sleep she missed in medical school and saw the benefits of an experience that gave her the strength to shift her priorities: play, less time in front of a desk, more time with family, and a great ambition of enjoying a balanced life. This story may have been different had we met before she started chemotherapy, but she attests she consoled her mother and encouraged herself to get through each day more than she gave into thoughts of defeat.

It is by no means an expectation that someone put forth a gamesome attitude when their survival is in question. Nor is it realistic to expect that from people that love them. Let’s not judge the fear, shame, guilt, grief, and isolation associated with life’s obstacles. Exploring, accepting and letting them wash over you as they pass are parts of the process of moving beyond them. While there is some research literature that suggests correlations between resilience, positive emotions and improved quality of life during diagnosis (Manne et al., 2015), there is no evidence that the American Cancer Association references regarding a connection between attitudes and survival outcomes.

It is deceptively pleasurable to listen to her story and many others like hers, and assume constant positivity secures certainty. Life experiences do not support this. Instead, accepting non-judgmentally that at a moment’s notice one may find themselves at different heights, is a far less burdensome way to live. Still, the benefit of surviving the valleys of life is that we live to climb atop the next peak, watching and waiting, hoping someday we can tell someone the story of how

“…we lived through a lifetime and the aftermath*.”

*Lyrics from “This is the Time” by Billie Joel