New Year; Same You?
Is it that time of year again? I’ve had so many people reach out to me these last few weeks asking what my new year’s resolution(s) is/are for 2018. Resolutions amuse me because people who tell me about their goals end up saying they gave up on them when we discuss it a month later. In fact, they are so synonymous with failure that there are memes dedicated to the #NewYearNewMe hashtag. While most people may confess they belong to the #NewYearSameMe camp, sticking to resolutions is possible for many people.
Resolutions themselves are not some intangible enemy to conquer. In fact, the best method of meeting a goal is without resistance. It is the resistance, the negative and false beliefs your ego tells you about yourself or the goal, which makes it seem it is too difficult to do, but in actuality, most resolutions are achievable. Do you know why? There are many people before you who have and many people after you who will; so, why not you?
Working in research and quality improvement for over a decade has taught me to observe patterns, nuances, and even sensations. Before working towards any goal, I reflect on it for some time: its value, its impact, the level of support I need, and how setting the goal makes me feel. What does setting a new year’s resolution feel like for you? Do you sense excitement, fear, or boredom? Note this. If it scares you, great! The experience of facing your fear provides you the type of wisdom you will never learn from a book or in school. If it bores you, then maybe you’ve selected a resolution you think you cannot sustain or that doesn’t interest you. If it doesn’t interest you, why do it?
However, if it’s a goal that will sincerely improve your physical health, your mental health, your wealth or maybe just your sanity and there’s intrinsic or tangible benefits for you and/or those close to you, then it’s a good thing you signed up for it because I’m going to give you some tips that will help you approach them in a way for you to enjoy the process as it unfolds.
Know yourself.
Knowing your limitations is very important. While our genetic makeup ensures that we are all different in our capacities, knowing how you specifically respond to challenges, to stress, and even failure is the most important step in this process. When you know yourself, you are aware of all of your fleeting emotions. Moreover, you do not subscribe to false beliefs because you live in a place of abundance. In this position, even if you’ve selected some seemingly insurmountable quest, because you know you’re enough, you know you can achieve it. In this state of being, the hurdles that most would approach with disdain are rather explored with curiosity and the eagerness and dedication of a scientist on the brink of a new discovery.
Observe your habits.
Become an expert researcher of your habits. If you already know and love yourself, this part of the process will be easy. You’ll know what your current limitations are and you will be cognizant of the triggers that stall your progress. You ate something that wasn’t on your diet? That’s okay. Ask yourself why? How did you get to that point? Did you forget to pack your meal last night because you fell asleep watching GoT? Even if that’s the case, were there really no other more nutritious options available? The last thing you want to do is beat yourself up; it won’t help you. You know what will? Making a list of things to try tomorrow that will not end in the same result.
Manage your expectations of the process.
The best way to flow through a process and enjoy it is to not have any expectations about how things “should” be. Having said that, I’m aware this is the type of generalized advice you get from people who have never tried to live without expectations. So, I have a more realistic approach: manage your expectations. That is, be acutely aware of how setbacks make you feel and how you react to them. I’ve met so many people along my health and wellness journey who have said that the moment they gave up was when they had perceived a failure as a hard stop. They didn’t make it to the gym on Monday and so they stopped going the rest of the week. Failure expectation is the ego’s way of protecting us from what scares us, so we sabotage great things so we don’t have to face the unknown. Failures aren’t the end of the road, in fact, they are the beginning. If you “expect” the process to be perfect, then yes, you will fail. If you manage your expectations by accepting that setbacks are a normal part of the process, you will not flinch when it happens. Instead, you will reflect on it, and plan for the next day. Or you can just do what I do when I miss a dance class because of train delays and head to the gym for an impromptu sweat session that night or the next day.
Be more; think less.
Be the thing you want to achieve by thinking less. How has over thinking and worrying about your goal been working for you so far? I honestly lost count of the number of times I started a new diet only to give up because I was worried about the scale or eating the wrong thing or not looking like the fantasy image of myself I had built up as the “good enough” version whom I thought everyone would like. Although worrying is a very human behavior, it’s also very unproductive. I will tell you more in later posts about how I overcame this, but for now, just trust that who you are now, at this very moment, is exactly who you are supposed to be and YOU ARE INCREDIBLE. Want to be a great runner, believe you are one now. Want to be a great speaker, believe you are one now. Want to be beautiful, look in the mirror and tell yourself you are; because you certainly are!
Hold yourself accountable.
The success you’re seeking at the end of this resolution is just a placeholder for the greatness, the joy, and the happiness that is already in you. You just haven’t peaked inside yet. If you think running a marathon will make you happy, I promise you, as someone who has run several, it doesn’t. Endorphins, adrenaline and a sense of accomplishment: yes. You might honestly even experience glee as you walk across the finish line, but happiness, that is something you bring to the race because you’ve already got it, not something you go looking for at the end of it. Your search will come up empty. The solution to this is to hold yourself accountable for your own happiness. I’m sure you’ve read a self-help book, or 2, or 48, to have heard that “happiness is an inside job”. While I will say that’s true, I’d rather challenge you to learn that’s it’s not a job at all. It’s only a job when you’re trying to get it from someone or something else—your relationship, spending time with friends, that promotion at work. While enjoying these things and making improvements in these areas are wonderful and enriching in many ways, seeking them to make you happier will be fruitless if you’re not already there.
Many of you are frustrated by this list because none of these tips are formulaic. I didn’t tell you that you need to have a specific, measurable and time-bound goal. The researcher in me feels the same way and I can appreciate the value in this type of goal-setting. If you want to gain financial independence by a certain date, then yes, this type of method is beneficial. However, even if you’re spending time dedicated to paying off your credit cards and student loans, but you haven’t spent time reflecting on who you are, how you spend money, managing your expectations about when and how you will pay them off, living your life without constant consuming, or holding yourself accountable to sticking to your budget, then you will still be unsuccessful, or at the very least completely miserable during the process. I give this example because finances are not my strong-suit, but it’s something I decided to work on this year. Why? Because it scares me, because I’m excited to learn how to overcome my fear, because it will improve my quality of life, and because I will be able to better improve my family’s life as well.
Achieving goals doesn’t have to be a miserable process. What you believe is true will manifest. So, spend some time believing in your ability to reach the finish line. I’ll be waiting there for you. What are your new year’s resolutions? Let’s discuss!